time keeps on slippin', slippin'...

slippin', into the future...
- steve miller band

it's frustrating, really. my creative muse has been on an extended leave of absence - we're talking over a year since i've really been productive. as i've whined about before, a lot of that stems from my dissatisfaction with my own ideas (or extreme lack thereof). and suddenly, that fickle little muse is back and raring to go. that's great! isn't it??

the timing is a little off, unfortunately.

in my 'real life' i'm a self-employed occupational therapist working with kiddos, and lately i seem to have acquired a number of more-than-usual 'quirky' little ones on my caseload. now, don't get me wrong...i love them and the challenges to my knowledge that they pose. but it seems that all my free time right now has been spent doing researchon the internet and consulting with mentors and otherwise looking for additional ways to support these sweet guys - leaving me little play time for myself.

the only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.
- albert einstein

we also put our house on the market this week. our big house. our old house. our six-bedrooms-three-bathrooms-90-year-old-lived-in-for-23-years house. between trying to keep it looking nice and going through ALLLLLLLL the assorted junk that fills every square inch (we're packrats and admit it freely, thank you) in order to get it packed up while also showing it to 4 or 5 potential buyers a day...well...time is a precious commodity right now.

and now my muse wants to come out and play???

to achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not quite enough time.
-leonard bernstein

got the plan....more or less. certainly have the 'not quite enough time'. look out...i'm on my way to achieving greatness!!

peace & light -
m'lis

blog as therapy

“it is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.”
- seneca, roman philosoper & statesman

funny thing about this blog stuff - it sure keeps your mind busy even when you're not working on it. i've been giving a lot of thought to my own creative processes (or the lack thereof) the last week or so, and that's something i tend to ignore.

but i think i've had something of a break-through. i've admitted to myself that my short attention span is more than just a mildly humorous quip at my own expense (e.g. 'i have the attention span of a gnat'). it's my excuse - my excuse for everything from why i can't stay with a project until completion, to why i can't seem to choose a 'style' of my own to work on and develop further.

it also goes hand-in-hand in some mildly esoteric way with my impatience with my own imperfections. i find that there are many things i don't start or stay with simply because i'm not perfect at it the first time i attempt it. there will be no learning curve for me, thank-you-very-much! but the opportunities i've missed...the regrets i now have...

i took piano lessons as part of my college experience; the instructor used the suzuki method, meaning i played 'twinkle, twinkle, little star' 'til the cows came home. i enrolled my nine-year-old son in lessons with the same instructor, so we would go together. it was a magical time...classes were held in the beautiful adobe home of our instructor, in her living room with the 2 baby grand pianos that sat side-by-side. my son and i even learned a duet of a christmas carol to play together for his recital. at the last minute, though, i insisted that the instructor play with him, and not me...because i wasn't perfect. there was this one little spot at the very end of the song...two notes that i just couldn't get the timing on correctly. so i was a very proud parent, sitting with all the other proud parents in the recital audience, watching my son's two-minute performance with his instructor.

to this day, it breaks my heart that i was a spectator to his accomplishment, and not an accompanist.

twelve years later, i still have a piano in my home. and once or twice a year, i pause in front of the keyboard and dredge up from memory a few bars from one of the songs i played over and over and over again during my lessons. i yearn to play the piano, but i seem to be waiting for the day when i can wake up and pause in front of the keyboard and magically play mozart or bach or beethoven with the best of them.

what this all boils down to is a sort of personal (and abbreviated) twelve-step program for learning new skills. i am admitting that i am powerless over my own need for perfection. i am making a fearless moral inventory of myself and my learning of new skills. i am admitting to myself and others the exact nature of my shortcomings. and i am trying to make amends to those i have harmed. part of making amends is giving myself permission to be imperfect...to learn and grow and accept that imperfections are learning experiences, not judgments on my worthiness as a member of the human race. and part of amending is to talk to my now-adult son about that piano recital. i wonder if he even remembers....i know i do.

“come to the edge.”
“we can't. we're afraid.”
“come to the edge.”
“we can't. we will fall!”
“come to the edge.”
and they came.
and he pushed them.
and they flew.

- guillaume apollinaire,
1880-1918 french poet & philosopher

peace & light -
m'lis

treat your spirit

For what are we without Inspiration? Without the Hope to Dream and the Daring to Believe? We are mortal coils. But with Inspiration, and the Art that births from it, we are Eternal. We are Spirit. We are ALIVE AND WE ARE ONE.
- Angi Sullins (from Duirwaigh Gallery)

artwork by Linda Ravenscroft

Have you seen this mini-film yet? It is a ravishingly beautiful and haunting message of creativity and inspiration that speaks something new to my heart every time I watch it.

Scroll to the bottom of the page for the link to watch the film. Since I was there last, they've announced that they have created a book and DVD of the film (with a portion of the proceeds going to the Make A Wish Foundation). If you'll excuse me now, I'm off to purchase a gift for my spirit.

peace & light -
m'lis

bratcats 101

The other passion in my life (or the only other one I'm going to admit to in front of strangers) is our Bengal cats, Kismet and Destiny (catchy, huh?).

Destiny is a feline athlete extraordinaire, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! OK - maybe she only can jump straight up 6 feet, but that's still a lot in cat-distance. A weird one, is my Destiny. She's been known to use potatoes as toys, with one particularly favorite spud finding itself knocked off the kitchen counter, across the kitchen and dining room floors, down the stairs, past the landing, through the basement library, around 2 corners and down the long hallway to come to rest outside my bedroom door. Was she hoping I'd get up at 2AM and mash that puppy for her? And I'm not talking small potatoes here - that thing weighed nearly as much as she does. I shouldn't complain, I guess; at least it didn't wind up in the toilet, where all of her other toys eventually meet their demise.

And then there's Kismet. Excuse me...that should read 'Kismet - Queen of All She Sees And Then Some'. She doesn't really care for the paparazzi, so my photos of her are limited. This photo was taken when she was just a wee little thing, before she got all snobby. I had to flip my keyboard up to keep her from editing what I was typing - which effectively stopped whatever typing I was doing anyway. Kismet likes to bring her toys to me so that I can throw them for her to catch. My dog would define this as a rousing game of fetch, but we would never be so crass as to suggest that Kismet would 'fetch' anything for anyone. And woe to my ankles should I fail to notice that Kismet has gifted me with the presence of one of her toys - although even I will admit that ankle-biting is a very effective means of getting someone's attention.

When I am playing with my cat, who knows if I am not a pasttime to her more than she is to me?
- Montaigne

(Oh, believe me - I have no illusions about this.)

The trouble with sharing one's bed with cats is that
they would rather sleep on you than beside you.
- Pam Brown

(I used to worry about disturbing the little dears at
night, until I realized that at 18+ hours a day, they sleep way more than I do. Besides, they just roll in the opposite direction from me, and never lose their place.)

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats
to pull a sled.
- Jeff Valdez

(Kismet made me add this one. She knows the dog can't read.)

peace & light -

m'lis

yet another distraction

I've decided I don't particularly care for beginnings. I'd prefer that this was my 3rd or 7th or 28th posting to this blog, because then it wouldn't have to be the first. When I had to write papers for school I would start with the middle, then I'd write the conclusion, and I'd finally write the introduction when everything else was complete. So I'm going to pretend that this is the 8th posting. Why number eight? Why not? I think I get to set my own rules. Here, anyway.

I love the creative arts. I love drawing and painting and sewing and writing and all the things that feed the creative side of me that screams to be unleashed. My 'Favorites' on my web browser is overfull with links to artists who inspire and thrill me. I have folders with eye candy and folders with tutorials and folders with suppliers, and there are folders of all of these essentials for all of the media that I want to try. Did I mention I love creative arts? And that I want to do it ALL??

I just wish I could create 'work' of my own.

My current (and longest lasting) passion is jewelry made with polymer clay. I've worked in this medium for 5 years. I have been known to spend 40+ hours a week making jewelry, and that's at night and on weekends, because I do have a pay-the-bills-fund-my-life-I-love-my-career job that takes up a huge chunk of time. I've even been known to sell my "creations". But I feel like such a fraud.

I want to be creative। I certainly have the drive and the desire and the passion for it. But I don't feel like I have the talent. I can learn and copy and reverse-engineer almost anything I see, but I can't seem to find my own voice...and that keeps me from ever being satisfied with what I do. What good would it be if I was able to make a copy of something as beautiful as this bracelet by Elise Winters (one of my polymer clay idols)?

I'm not Elise Winters and I don't want to be Elise Winters (and I'm sure Elise Winters will sleep better tonight knowing this). I want to be me and to sing my own song, however out-of-tune I may be. But I don't like a single thing I come up with on my own. I am my own worst critic, and a harsh critic am I.

Serendipitously, as I was thinking about this today I was given several pages of quotes that my partner had collected years ago. Some were funny, some inspirational, some thought-provoking. And some were sooooo apropos to my current creative state of affairs.

Perfection is the voice of the oppressor.
- Annie Lamott
(Oh, how loud this internal voice is in me!)

There is a life force, and energy, a quickness that is translated through you into action. If you block it, the world will not have it. You do not have to believe in yourself or your work. It is not your business to compare yourself with others. It is your business to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you, to keep the channel open.
- Martha Graham
(I do not have to believe...I have to keep the channel open. I do not have to believe...I have to keep the channel open. I do not...)

Each time you judge yourself, you break your heart.
- Kirpal Venanji, Hindu monk
(It breaks my heart to think how often I've broken my heart)

These are my new mantras. I will be kind to myself. I will keep the channel open. And I will be fierce in protecting my heart.

peace & light -
m'lis