another one bites the dust (or: what i did with my weekend)

several weeks ago i made a yellow-to-blue skinner blend for a project that didn't work out (more on that in another post). that blend has been sitting on my desk calling to me, which is unusual in itself, as i gravitate normally to the metallics. but there it was, reminding me of places tropical in nature (also unusual - i'm not a beachy person - too sandy). the bug hit me yesterday, so after playing with the blend and some transluscent clay and some silver leaf, a new jewelry project was born. i started stringing today, adding little silver beads to pick up the silver leaf in the beads and the focal starfish...and hated it. decided i needed a silver starfish, instead.

i love silver. love it, love it, love it. so much so that i almost peed my pants when silver metal clay burst on the scene. a clay i could manipulate like polymer, but when finished, was a beautiful piece of fine silver? what more could a girl ask for? so for christmas, my thoughtful partner bought me one of those start-up silver clay kits. i was in jewelry-making heaven!

did i mention it was a christmas gift? did i mention it was from two christmases ago? what, you may ask, have i made during all this time? nothing. zip, zilch, nada. the 'perfection' bug bit, and that poor kit has been patiently waiting for me ever since.

but what could be so hard about getting a little silver clay, texturing it with one of my gazzilion stamps, and cutting out a simple starfish shape? since this morning i've been reading and rereading everything i have on silver clay, and now i've decided its too late in the day to start an undertaking of this magnitude. this is definitely a first-thing-in-the-morning project, which means it'll have to wait 'til next weekend. what's been my excuse all those other 447 mornings since i received my christmas present? hmmmmm....give me some time. i'm sure i'll think of something.

where are those mantras i wrote about earlier? that's what i should be reading. and rereading. and reading again.

peace & light -
m'lis

yet another distraction

I've decided I don't particularly care for beginnings. I'd prefer that this was my 3rd or 7th or 28th posting to this blog, because then it wouldn't have to be the first. When I had to write papers for school I would start with the middle, then I'd write the conclusion, and I'd finally write the introduction when everything else was complete. So I'm going to pretend that this is the 8th posting. Why number eight? Why not? I think I get to set my own rules. Here, anyway.

I love the creative arts. I love drawing and painting and sewing and writing and all the things that feed the creative side of me that screams to be unleashed. My 'Favorites' on my web browser is overfull with links to artists who inspire and thrill me. I have folders with eye candy and folders with tutorials and folders with suppliers, and there are folders of all of these essentials for all of the media that I want to try. Did I mention I love creative arts? And that I want to do it ALL??

I just wish I could create 'work' of my own.

My current (and longest lasting) passion is jewelry made with polymer clay. I've worked in this medium for 5 years. I have been known to spend 40+ hours a week making jewelry, and that's at night and on weekends, because I do have a pay-the-bills-fund-my-life-I-love-my-career job that takes up a huge chunk of time. I've even been known to sell my "creations". But I feel like such a fraud.

I want to be creative। I certainly have the drive and the desire and the passion for it. But I don't feel like I have the talent. I can learn and copy and reverse-engineer almost anything I see, but I can't seem to find my own voice...and that keeps me from ever being satisfied with what I do. What good would it be if I was able to make a copy of something as beautiful as this bracelet by Elise Winters (one of my polymer clay idols)?

I'm not Elise Winters and I don't want to be Elise Winters (and I'm sure Elise Winters will sleep better tonight knowing this). I want to be me and to sing my own song, however out-of-tune I may be. But I don't like a single thing I come up with on my own. I am my own worst critic, and a harsh critic am I.

Serendipitously, as I was thinking about this today I was given several pages of quotes that my partner had collected years ago. Some were funny, some inspirational, some thought-provoking. And some were sooooo apropos to my current creative state of affairs.

Perfection is the voice of the oppressor.
- Annie Lamott
(Oh, how loud this internal voice is in me!)

There is a life force, and energy, a quickness that is translated through you into action. If you block it, the world will not have it. You do not have to believe in yourself or your work. It is not your business to compare yourself with others. It is your business to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you, to keep the channel open.
- Martha Graham
(I do not have to believe...I have to keep the channel open. I do not have to believe...I have to keep the channel open. I do not...)

Each time you judge yourself, you break your heart.
- Kirpal Venanji, Hindu monk
(It breaks my heart to think how often I've broken my heart)

These are my new mantras. I will be kind to myself. I will keep the channel open. And I will be fierce in protecting my heart.

peace & light -
m'lis